365 Days of Difference

I learned about the existence of my daughter exactly a year ago. Merely days after experiencing a "change of heart". I knew it would never work out. I was absolutely convinced I would never become a mother.

Why?

Those moms... The ones that believe any woman's sole purpose in life is in bearing children. And if you haven't used your uterus to grow another human being, then you don't understand true living, you have done nothing worthy with your life, and you are not allowed any opinions regarding, well, anything... Because you just don't understand until you've had kids.

You know what, women? It is not true.

Whether you made the choice, have not had the chance, or suffer from a condition... Not having children does not make you less of a human being. And having children does not make you more of one!

You are worthy of love, worthy of respect, and worthy of praise. You should never be belittled or ignored. With or without the use of your uterus, you have a purpose! Better yet, you are not defined by the judgment of people.

Thanks to my struggle to become a mother, I learned how to value myself based on God's view of me. I gave up the belief that my life was defined by circumstances, labels, jobs, or judgment of others. Then, 10 days after I was sure I would never become a mother and that God must have some other plan for my life... I was privileged to watch my husband cut my daughter's umbilical cord and hold her for the first time.

And now that I'm a mom... my beliefs are the same. There was no monumental shift in my universe. Yes, daily life has changed greatly. But my view of myself, my trust in God, my sense of worth... It is all the same.

Keep the faith, ladies. Don't let those people hurt you, destroy you, or, worst of all, change you.

Fundraising

For some reason, to many people outside of the adoption community, those fundraising for adoption are considered unfit parents.  We are constantly told, "If you can't afford to adopt then you can't afford to raise a child."

Perhaps it is time to explain adoption expenses.  Adoptions normally cost $20,000 - 30,000.  We understand medical costs, diapers, formula, etc.  We have to pay all of that, too.  But we don't get to cover everything with health insurance.  Normally adoptive parents don't get big ticket items (cribs, strollers, carseats, etc.) as gifts, either.  Plus $20,000 on top of that!

Other than overhead costs- building expenses, salaries, etc.- adoption costs are about the birth mother.  Adoption is about the selfless family that places their precious child into another family's arms.  If necessary, adoptive families will pay rent, groceries, medical bills... anything birth mom needs to take care of her and her child.

All that being said, we have begun our fundraiser for our second adoption!  Yes, we are primarily pursuing embryo adoption.  There are no guarantees in this, obviously.  And, if the embryo adoption is not successful, we will be jumping right into domestic adoption again!

If you are so inclined, please donate to our adoption.  If you cannot help financially, please support us in prayer and by giving us a "hug" on our Fundraiser Site.

1,000 Times

Do you remember that moment you discovered the purpose for your life? Perhaps it was a series of moments that led to that discovery. Something happened- a diagnosis, a conversion, a tragedy- that created this weight on your heart for a cause, that cause. It was something big and painful and had an unforgettable impact. Maybe you didn't realize it at first. It started with an itch, a pulling at your soul, every time it was mentioned. Then it happened. You attended that fundraiser, you built that house, you donated your precious blood or organ. Or, in my case, I adopted a child. And that's when everything changed.

Nothing life-defining is ever easy. We are refined through the fire. And every passion is the result of pain.

Before I found my passion, I survived 6 miscarriages. Yes, I lost 6 pregnancies. 6 precious angels never survived to experience their first day on earth. I ran out of faith, friends ran out of wisdom, and doctors ran out of answers. And it damn near destroyed me.

Even though adoption was always in our plans, it does not erase the pain of pregnancy loss. And when I joined the adoption community, that's when I realized that I wasn't alone. I am not alone in infertility, in adoption, in having a love and longing for children. There are others struggling, too.

I knew I had a passion for children, especially those in need, before our infertility journey. I traveled to the slums of Mexico City once to work with children that had nowhere to go while on summer break from school and their parents were working in the city. That was the moment I knew I needed kids in my life. God just hadn't revealed how just yet. But after the pain of six losses and one failed adoption, I gave up on God and my idea of his plan. Then, I finally got to meet my daughter for the first time.

At that moment, while she was still in her birth mother's arms, I knew... I would do it again. 6 times, 100 times, 1,000 times. I would endure that pain for her. I would endure it for every child that needs a home. And every birth mother that needs to make that selfless choice.

Adoption is my passion. What is yours?

A Shell of a Life

Bear with me for a moment while I vent some frustration that I have been holding in for a while.

Why do humans have an obsession with a competition of outward appearances? So many waste precious time, energy, and money on how others will view them.

You sacrifice your soul, everything inside of you, for this shell you have created. Faith, compassion, and true joy have been destroyed in this journey to be viewed as superior. Your life has become an empty eggshell... flawless to the eyes, but delicate and hollow.

Someday something hard or strong or heavy will come along and begin to crack your thin shell. A person, a situation, an accident... out of seemingly nowhere your perfect facade will chip away.  When you fall apart, nothing will be left... revealing the hollowness of the life you created.

Do not allow this competition to consume you. Complete yourself, build up your spouse, pour into your children. Fill your kids with hope, joy, wisdom, and love. We were never promised that this life would be easy. But, when something attempts to break them down, they can stand on their own and will not fall to pieces.

This shell that consumes your heart is a transparent one. Your emptiness is visible.

If I were in your shoes

If I were in your shoes...Things would have been different.

I never would have trusted a family based on a scrapbook. I would not have gotten in a car with them alone after only knowing them for ten days. There is no way I could have been brave while being hooked up to IVs without any friends or family with me, not knowing what to expect.

I would have made the easy choices. I wouldn't have been brave or strong or independent. I would have given up, stopped trying. I am too selfish.

I could not have placed my perfect new daughter in the arms of strangers. I could never know  what the right decision was. I will never comprehend the level of trust in your heart.

I would have fallen apart. I would have lost hope. I would have made all the wrong choices... Numbed the memory and never looked back.

I am so blessed that you are not me. And, because of your selflessness, our daughter will always know how amazing you are. I pray that you always stay strong,  beautiful, and loving.

April Fools

This has become quite the hot topic lately- the April Fools pregnancy announcement.

It is so simple and always gets quick responses. Why not use it if you are desperate to pull an easy prank. On April Fools Day there is always pressure... You must perform some sort of joke or prank before the day is done. 24 short hours to confuse, surprise, astonish... It is an overwhelming feat. And each year that I forget, each year that I fail; I feel disappointed. Maybe I'm a slacker because I didn't plan. Perhaps I'm a pansy because I don't like to hurt or alienate others. Or it could be that I'm a goody-goody because I don't like to lie. Whatever it is, we all feel the pressure as March comes to an end. And I, like every other social media user, get excited on April first to see stories and pictures of other's escapades.

April Fools is part of our culture. I would never ask anyone to refrain from harmless jokes on they day. But what I do ask is that you don't use the fake pregnancy trick. Unknowingly, this prank is not harmless. There are so many women that have experienced loss-infertility, miscarriage, abortion, still birth, loss of a loved one who will now never get to know their grandchild... imagine the sorrow you would feel in their shoes.

Those of us who live with infertility have a hard enough time reminding ourselves to be happy for other's  pregnancies. It is a daily battle fighting the unjust anger we experience for their blessings. Please do not make this harder on us by treating the gift of growing a life within yours as a joke.

Sunshine State

Yesterday's snow storm really had me longing for a trip to the beach.  I feel that I have finally fully accepted that we are moving soon... in two months to be exact!

 

Moving to Florida is something we have discussed for years.  We knew it was something we wanted, but either timing was never right or we were not prepared to leave our Denver home.  For the past several months, God has been making it quite clear that it is finally the right time.

This decision to move was all started by an episode of Property Virgins on HGTV.  It was located in a part of Florida that I lived in when I was a kid.  And it brought to my attention the huge difference in housing costs there versus our current home.  Part of God's preparation for our move included a difficult financial situation, leading us to look for a lower cost of living.  So we began our research... and realized we might finally follow our dream to Florida, but we still weren't sure.  Then our support system began making plans to leave- family, old friends, new friends- it was starting to look like there wasn't much holding us here anymore.

That's when we took a vacation to the area we were looking into.  And God gave me a personal sign that it was a place I would feel comfortable.  The organic and "buy local" culture of Denver is what really made me fall in love with this place.  And, after getting a little turned around while exploring in Florida, we found a farmers market (one of my favorite things in the entire world) with organic produce and local products.  I was sold!  I felt at home already.  We walked around the area of the farmers market to find some great local restaurants that my husband was very interested in working for.  And, at that point, he was in love, too.

We started packing as soon as we returned home.  Around this time we had a "girls' night out" with ladies from our adoption support group.  A new member of the group mentioned her impending embryo adoption.  As soon as she explained the process, I knew this was our next step in growing our family.  I told my husband all about embryo adoption and he immediately knew this our next step.  But, with finances being tight, it needed to be put on the back burner. So, I did a little research in my spare time (that means when my daughter is napping and I've gotten most of the household chores done... so not often!) and found a great online group of women in the process of embryo adoption.  They introduced me to an awesome clinic in Florida that meets all of my standards- close to us, clinic (instead of agency), lower costs, short wait list, great reviews, and possibility for minimally medicated cycles.  I took this as another clear sign that we are heading in the right direction.

Our God is so good!  And I am excited to follow Him where He sends us.  He never promised it would be easy, but it will always be rewarding.