April Fools

This has become quite the hot topic lately- the April Fools pregnancy announcement.

It is so simple and always gets quick responses. Why not use it if you are desperate to pull an easy prank. On April Fools Day there is always pressure... You must perform some sort of joke or prank before the day is done. 24 short hours to confuse, surprise, astonish... It is an overwhelming feat. And each year that I forget, each year that I fail; I feel disappointed. Maybe I'm a slacker because I didn't plan. Perhaps I'm a pansy because I don't like to hurt or alienate others. Or it could be that I'm a goody-goody because I don't like to lie. Whatever it is, we all feel the pressure as March comes to an end. And I, like every other social media user, get excited on April first to see stories and pictures of other's escapades.

April Fools is part of our culture. I would never ask anyone to refrain from harmless jokes on they day. But what I do ask is that you don't use the fake pregnancy trick. Unknowingly, this prank is not harmless. There are so many women that have experienced loss-infertility, miscarriage, abortion, still birth, loss of a loved one who will now never get to know their grandchild... imagine the sorrow you would feel in their shoes.

Those of us who live with infertility have a hard enough time reminding ourselves to be happy for other's  pregnancies. It is a daily battle fighting the unjust anger we experience for their blessings. Please do not make this harder on us by treating the gift of growing a life within yours as a joke.

Sunshine State

Yesterday's snow storm really had me longing for a trip to the beach.  I feel that I have finally fully accepted that we are moving soon... in two months to be exact!

 

Moving to Florida is something we have discussed for years.  We knew it was something we wanted, but either timing was never right or we were not prepared to leave our Denver home.  For the past several months, God has been making it quite clear that it is finally the right time.

This decision to move was all started by an episode of Property Virgins on HGTV.  It was located in a part of Florida that I lived in when I was a kid.  And it brought to my attention the huge difference in housing costs there versus our current home.  Part of God's preparation for our move included a difficult financial situation, leading us to look for a lower cost of living.  So we began our research... and realized we might finally follow our dream to Florida, but we still weren't sure.  Then our support system began making plans to leave- family, old friends, new friends- it was starting to look like there wasn't much holding us here anymore.

That's when we took a vacation to the area we were looking into.  And God gave me a personal sign that it was a place I would feel comfortable.  The organic and "buy local" culture of Denver is what really made me fall in love with this place.  And, after getting a little turned around while exploring in Florida, we found a farmers market (one of my favorite things in the entire world) with organic produce and local products.  I was sold!  I felt at home already.  We walked around the area of the farmers market to find some great local restaurants that my husband was very interested in working for.  And, at that point, he was in love, too.

We started packing as soon as we returned home.  Around this time we had a "girls' night out" with ladies from our adoption support group.  A new member of the group mentioned her impending embryo adoption.  As soon as she explained the process, I knew this was our next step in growing our family.  I told my husband all about embryo adoption and he immediately knew this our next step.  But, with finances being tight, it needed to be put on the back burner. So, I did a little research in my spare time (that means when my daughter is napping and I've gotten most of the household chores done... so not often!) and found a great online group of women in the process of embryo adoption.  They introduced me to an awesome clinic in Florida that meets all of my standards- close to us, clinic (instead of agency), lower costs, short wait list, great reviews, and possibility for minimally medicated cycles.  I took this as another clear sign that we are heading in the right direction.

Our God is so good!  And I am excited to follow Him where He sends us.  He never promised it would be easy, but it will always be rewarding.

Celebrating New Families

Some days I miss working events.

Today our adoption support group had a surprise baby shower for a family that just welcomed a one year old. They had a rough paper pregnancy, with a couple terrible change of hearts. We were all so excited to see this new little boy placed with them! He is adorable!

The party was a hit! There were lots of food, friends, and gifts. And enough kids to overdose on cuteness. I was excited to get to plan and decorate the event. It was jungle and monkey themed- zebra print table runners, monkey banners, zebra lanterns, a giant monkey balloon, animal print water bottles, monkey bread, jungle cupcakes...  I wish I could throw parties like this everyday!

There are several more families waiting for matches in our group. I hope that they are placed soon, before we move. I love getting to see families grow through adoption.

It is making me very excited for our future embryo adoption. There are several big reasons that I am looking guard to our impending cross-country move. And the embryo adoption is definitely one of them!

Elitists

That moment when you see an acquaintance who got pregnant mere seconds after deciding to add a child to their family... And, instead of being jealous and downright angry as in the past, you feel a twinge of pity in your heart. You think to yourself, "Poor thing... too bad she couldn't adopt."

Is it because most of us struggled for years with infertility? Or maybe it is from the invasive home study for which we spent countless hours studying parenting techniques. Perhaps we feel that we have transcended to a new level of love, being able to parent another woman's child.  Whatever it is, we feel it- we are a part of the elite group of mothers that few have the privilege of becoming. We are adoptive moms.

The fight to become mothers, the dedication to educating ourselves to be the best we can be, the new and deeper form of love we fell into along the way... at first subconsciously, then later much more aware, we think of ourselves as the ultimate moms. These other women with biological children just don't understand. They didn't have to fight hard enough, they didn't open their hearts enough, they didn't have to be approved. Obviously we are the better parents, right?

Not true.

We hate the judgement we get from the "outsiders". Thinking we didn't try hard enough, we settled, we gave up. How many times have we wished infertility on someone else (then quickly try to take back the thought of such a terrible punishment) just so they could understand? So why would we judge them so harshly now? We don't understand their struggles either.

I think it is time that all mothers- old fashioned, crunchy, breastfeeders, formula feeders, cloth diapers, disposables, of singles, of multiples, intactivists, pro-circumcision, infertile, adoptive, biological- to put the Mommy Wars aside and learn to support each other. Our children are the future of this world. Why should we teach them to judge and alienate? Maybe one day or kids will lead a generation of peace.

Feeling Left Out

I am a mother to the most beautiful little girl in the whole world. There's a chance that I could be biased, but I doubt it... and as a stay at home mom, I do a lot of the normal stay at home mom activities- grocery shopping on weekday mornings, play dates, going to kid play areas... so I run into a lot of other moms of babies on a daily basis.

I don't normally introduce her as my adopted daughter when meeting new people. She is my daughter... it says so on her birth certificate. My daughter, unlike "normal" kids, is just lucky enough to have two families to love her. But moms, whether I've known them for years or we just met, have a tendency to bring up a few topics of conversation. And, as an adoptive mom, I will always feel left out when these get brought up.

1. Pregnancy
   Cravings, bellies, kicks, ultrasounds... I have no experience in any of these. Well, when we were paper pregnant I might have craved some comfort foods during the stressful home study process. But that's not the same thing, right? I never got to feel my daughter kick me from the inside, though I'm slightly grateful for that since she was able to cause bruises as a newborn. Most of these moms who bring up this topic reminisce about the excitement they felt before meeting their new perfect baby. As an adoptive mom, thinking about our child in the womb causes anxiety. We had no control over what our unborn child was exposed to. What does that mean about their health? Will there be lasting effects? Worry... that's all we do as mothers. But imagine truly not knowing and not being in control. Getting anxious? Yep, that's my life.

2. Showers
   Every adoptive parent goes through the "shower drama". Should we throw a shower? Will someone else do it? Will anyone show up? Some people actually believe we, adoptive parents, don't deserve showers because we didn't grow our child inside our own uterus. So when moms want to talk about their shower experiences, I have to shut my mouth. I had to buy everything for the nursery myself because, according to people we knew, "God doesn't want you to have kids." We didn't know what gender or age to prepare for. We even once prepared for a child that didn't finally come home with us. No one wants to throw a shower for someone before they adopt because "what if it doesn't work out? It would be a waste." Well, what if you have a miscarriage? Sorry... apparently that's not okay to say. I've lost 6 pregnancies. A "change of heart" is just as painful.

3. Breastfeeding
  Yes, it is technically possible to breastfeed even if you didn't give birth. But it is NOT easy! I cannot breastfeed my non-biological daughter. So stop telling me that I'm poisoning my daughter. I think unconditionally loving her and formula feeding is better than some of the toxins she could have been exposed to before birth. And don't think I haven't done my research on that too! Don't judge. And that goes for everything and everyone.

4. My Child's Looks
   Whose eyes does she have? Whose nose? Will she have his skin tone? Her hair? Our daughter doesn't look like my husband or me. And I'm fine with that. Because she is one damn beautiful child. My husband's and my genetics could never create a girl with her features. We got lucky and every day is an exciting journey as she grows and changes. And I would never change that. But it gets quite uncomfortable when someone wants to get four inches from your face to determine similar features. You are not going to find any. Leave me alone.

5. Labor & Birth
   This is the ultimate story everyone wants to tell. Their rite of passage, so to speak. How many hours of labor and pushing, epidural or natural, home both or hospital... This is where I have to bring up the lack of control again. We were lucky enough to be part of our daughter's birth experience. It was long and exhausting for me,  but birthmom had a pretty quick and smooth delivery.  Not every adoptive parent gets this opportunity. Many adoptive parents don't meet their children until months or years after their birth. I don't think there's anything an adoptive mom wouldn't give to have been the one delivering their precious child. But feeling the weight of trust from another woman when they place their innocent child into your arms for the first time... you will never feel joy, sorrow, and responsibility like that at any other time in your life. It is what makes every moment worth it.

I still haven't found a tactful way to introduce the ignorant to adoption. Sometimes I nod and smile through the conversation. Other times I change the subject. Many times I've even been quite blunt. Adoption is my daughter's story and I don't want to disrespect it in any way. So if you meet me in line at the grocery store and tell me I look great for having just given birth... don't be surprised if my response is simply, "I didn't." You don't need more of her story until she is willing to share it. Just understand that there are many paths to parenthood. And none are easy.

Welcome to the Blogging World

I created this blog mostly to talk about adoption.  I am an adoptive mom to the most perfect daughter God could ever have blessed me with.  However, as much as I wish life could be simple, it does not always revolve around the things we wish it would.

I currently live in Denver, CO.  I love this city.  Denver's culture is completely different than where I was raised.  I would describe Denver as very organic and local-focused.  I moved here from small-town, TX for college.  I received two degrees to begin a specific career in an industry that would suddenly alter with the economy upon graduation.  Thankfully I married a man I met in college in a different industry.  He introduced me to the world of Food & Bev.  I worked my way through the wedding industry just as it was gaining popularity through television shows like "Say Yes to the Dress".  Of course, I was working in a bridal salon when that show first aired.  Though I worked with wedding dresses and wedding coordination, I always came back to catering.  Eventually I became a banquet manager at a huge venue and got to live the epic business woman dream.  I rarely slept and kept my smart phone on me 24/7. 

While living this hectic lifestyle as a banquet manager, I got diagnosed with the infamous "unexplained infertility".  According to all tests, there was nothing wrong with me... but doctors could not figure out why we could not sustain a pregnancy.  Six miscarriages and there was no explanation! 

But my husband and I had plans.  We always wanted to adopt.  It was something we talked about from the beginning.  When doctors pushed us to do IVF we pushed back.  That's not what we wanted.  Our "family" was made up of so much more than biological relatives.  Why did a child have to be biological?  That's when we found an adoption agency and started the process.

I'm going to skip most of the details of the terrible agency we used.  This agency was made up of liars and cheaters and selfish people.  But that is a story for another time.

The adoption process was traumatizing.  We had a "change of heart".  Every adoptive parent understands the devastation of a "change of heart" experience.  When you have been offered a beautiful child and the birth family decides to parent instead of place for adoption.  It is hard not to be bitter.  But that was never my child.  And it was never my choice.  Even my daughter is not fully my child.  She has a biological family that she is still connected to.  And I can never sever that tie.  I love my daughter's birth family.  I don't think we could have been blessed with anyone better.  There is no doubt in our minds that our daughter's birth mother loved her more than anything on earth.  I don't think she could have made the difficult decision without that love.  Open adoption has opened our eyes to a whole new world of love. 

 

 



This part of the story is where life takes a new turn.  We are moving soon.  We are going to Florida, a decision we have discussed for several years.  We are being given the opportunity to make this change and we are taking it.  The other big news is that, once we move, we will begin the process of a second adoption.  However, this will not be as traditional.  We are planning an embryo adoption.  And we couldn't be more excited!

This life has been nothing like I expected... but I wouldn't change it for anything!

What is "My Thread"?

My life could never be described as "easy".  Rarely has anything been simple.  And I spent a large part of my life focusing on this.  I let it consume me.  And life became even harder when I constantly expected the worst.

Then I had a revelation.  Each life, including my own, is a thread in God's beautiful tapestry.  He has plans for us that don't always line up with our own plans.  If you are not a Christian, don't get too caught up in the "God stuff".  Think of it this way... There is a bigger picture.

I once knew exactly what I wanted my thread to look like- the color and texture it would take as I grew.  I knew who I was going to marry, where I was going to live, what career I was going to have, how many children would be in my family...  But God's idea for thread obviously looked nothing like mine.  I was introduced to the man of my dreams, I fell in love with the culture of a new city, the failing economy caused a change in the industry I studied in college, I got diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".

No, this life is nothing like I wanted 10 years ago.  But this life is perfect.  God designed my thread around his picture, not mine.  And I am thankful every day for that blessing.