I am a mother to the most beautiful little girl in the whole world. There's a chance that I could be biased, but I doubt it... and as a stay at home mom, I do a lot of the normal stay at home mom activities- grocery shopping on weekday mornings, play dates, going to kid play areas... so I run into a lot of other moms of babies on a daily basis.
I don't normally introduce her as my adopted daughter when meeting new people. She is my daughter... it says so on her birth certificate. My daughter, unlike "normal" kids, is just lucky enough to have two families to love her. But moms, whether I've known them for years or we just met, have a tendency to bring up a few topics of conversation. And, as an adoptive mom, I will always feel left out when these get brought up.
1. Pregnancy
Cravings, bellies, kicks, ultrasounds... I have no experience in any of these. Well, when we were paper pregnant I might have craved some comfort foods during the stressful home study process. But that's not the same thing, right? I never got to feel my daughter kick me from the inside, though I'm slightly grateful for that since she was able to cause bruises as a newborn. Most of these moms who bring up this topic reminisce about the excitement they felt before meeting their new perfect baby. As an adoptive mom, thinking about our child in the womb causes anxiety. We had no control over what our unborn child was exposed to. What does that mean about their health? Will there be lasting effects? Worry... that's all we do as mothers. But imagine truly not knowing and not being in control. Getting anxious? Yep, that's my life.
2. Showers
Every adoptive parent goes through the "shower drama". Should we throw a shower? Will someone else do it? Will anyone show up? Some people actually believe we, adoptive parents, don't deserve showers because we didn't grow our child inside our own uterus. So when moms want to talk about their shower experiences, I have to shut my mouth. I had to buy everything for the nursery myself because, according to people we knew, "God doesn't want you to have kids." We didn't know what gender or age to prepare for. We even once prepared for a child that didn't finally come home with us. No one wants to throw a shower for someone before they adopt because "what if it doesn't work out? It would be a waste." Well, what if you have a miscarriage? Sorry... apparently that's not okay to say. I've lost 6 pregnancies. A "change of heart" is just as painful.
3. Breastfeeding
Yes, it is technically possible to breastfeed even if you didn't give birth. But it is NOT easy! I cannot breastfeed my non-biological daughter. So stop telling me that I'm poisoning my daughter. I think unconditionally loving her and formula feeding is better than some of the toxins she could have been exposed to before birth. And don't think I haven't done my research on that too! Don't judge. And that goes for everything and everyone.
4. My Child's Looks
Whose eyes does she have? Whose nose? Will she have his skin tone? Her hair? Our daughter doesn't look like my husband or me. And I'm fine with that. Because she is one damn beautiful child. My husband's and my genetics could never create a girl with her features. We got lucky and every day is an exciting journey as she grows and changes. And I would never change that. But it gets quite uncomfortable when someone wants to get four inches from your face to determine similar features. You are not going to find any. Leave me alone.
5. Labor & Birth
This is the ultimate story everyone wants to tell. Their rite of passage, so to speak. How many hours of labor and pushing, epidural or natural, home both or hospital... This is where I have to bring up the lack of control again. We were lucky enough to be part of our daughter's birth experience. It was long and exhausting for me, but birthmom had a pretty quick and smooth delivery. Not every adoptive parent gets this opportunity. Many adoptive parents don't meet their children until months or years after their birth. I don't think there's anything an adoptive mom wouldn't give to have been the one delivering their precious child. But feeling the weight of trust from another woman when they place their innocent child into your arms for the first time... you will never feel joy, sorrow, and responsibility like that at any other time in your life. It is what makes every moment worth it.
I still haven't found a tactful way to introduce the ignorant to adoption. Sometimes I nod and smile through the conversation. Other times I change the subject. Many times I've even been quite blunt. Adoption is my daughter's story and I don't want to disrespect it in any way. So if you meet me in line at the grocery store and tell me I look great for having just given birth... don't be surprised if my response is simply, "I didn't." You don't need more of her story until she is willing to share it. Just understand that there are many paths to parenthood. And none are easy.
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